toekneeduh

He died last night.

His birthday was last week. 77.

:/

Kansas City was great. But this death makes me want to go back to school even more.

Remember this?:

"I fell in love
It wasn't healthy
So I pried myself away
But with summer fast approaching
I'm afraid to be reunited with lost love

That's what happens when you
fall in love with the wrong thing."

sigh.

That's exactly what happened.

I've lost myself this summer. I don't like who I am right now.

I NEED to get back to Oklahoma. At least I'm going to Olathe next week...that will be VERY good and ALOT of help.

K. Well I'm in the valley. Right now using the net at UTPA. So far its been pretty good. I've been staying for the most part at Mari/Wally's apartment. I love it. I basically can do whatever I want. Thursday I went out with Josh. Hehe he danced with some boy haha. Friday we went to Joe and Mari's wedding. It was ok. I was ready to go thought. That night I stayed over with Amy and her parents. haha they rule. Saturday i just was lazy. Sunday church. Parents upset me with their speculative comments at times. Wally's family heard me cuss up a storm. oh well. :)

I went to church with Janette and her new boyfriend yesterday. It was so good to see her! and her boyfriend is SO NOT like the other jerks she has dated. He was super cool. I'm happy she finally got someone to be real happy with.

i'm so tired. i need a vacation. lol.

YEAH IM IN THE VALLEY!

i fell in love.
it wasn't healthy.
so i pried myself away.
and with summer fast approaching.
i'm scared to be reuinited with lost love.

thats what happens,
when you fall in love,
with the wrong things.

Galena Park...

I dread seeing you again.

Your the poison that has killed my insides...

but I nurtured you.

the new people that have entered my life these past 7 months are unlike any i've ever encountered.

they are the kind of people i normally loathe and despise.

especially adam. he represents all i grew up hating the last few years.

and yet he's become the best friend i've ever had.

last night in a depressed rage i injured myself. and when i realized what i'd done, i called him.

we talked about a lot. including the existence of God.

Me: "Sometimes I wish God wasn't real. It would make life easier. No guilt, none of this Christianity"
Him: "I understand. I have wished that too. We could just do whatever we want."
Me: "Do you believe God exists than Adam?"
Him: "Yes. You know why? Because of you."
Me: "Me? But I'm such a bad person Adam.
Him: "You know under any other circumstances, we wouldn't be friends. Yet for some reason, we are. The only explaination is God. I never wanted to be-friend people like you...people who were different...and look at us."

I love them. I love Adam.

Him: "For some reason, you've been dealt all the bad cards Tony. Don't think my life has been this because I earned it. It was just the life I was was given. I know you don't see what I see. But I see so much good happening for you in the future. You're a good person Tony."

Why can't I see what people see in me? What is all I see dark, and evil, and worthless?

so i checked my grade in Historical Methods.

yay to go Tony, you are recieving your 5th F in college. Actually, this is only because Dr. Williams is a ridic professor.

wow.

i hate college.

i want to quit.

it will never be my turn to be happy. never.

Dr. Miller's last SNU concert was tonight. it was so good. and it was...so depressing. people cried. i cried. i'm going to miss him so much. :/

i have well over 200 friends at this school. and yet. i'm so lonely.

a part of me wants to go back to St. Thomas, where I never felt lonely.

another part of me wants to go to San Diego State or Point Loma...and be by all the people I love of Cali.

and yet there is another part of me that wants to go to South Carolina, and start over for a 2nd time. Be at a place where noone knows who I am. And where I can just not make any friends, and therefore not be upset when I am alone...bcuz it will be my choice.

and than a great part just wants to stay here.

i hate life.

Virgina Tech. I send your students, faculty, and families my love. May you find comfort in these hard times. May God bless you and I pray that you get through this, as our country pours out their love to you.

We are sorry VT. I am sorry...

no. i am not like you.

no. i don't want to be like you.

no. i don't care if i fail or succeed.

no. i see nothing wrong with stealing.

no. i don't look forward to a better future.

no. i don't see the point of attending college.

no. i am not a fan of that white fluff from the sky.

no. i don't want to go work out or learn to throw a ball.

no. i don't want the free plane ticket to Germany i was given.

no. adam. no.

i'm not you.

i hate school. i hate reading. i hate being nice. i hate showing love. i hate the snow. i hate the cold. i hate money. i hate sports. i hate traveling. i hate cats. i hate children. i don't want to be married.

i don't mind failing. i like heat. i like the sun. i want to sleep all day. i want 10 dogs. i want to not finish college. i want to go back to the valley. i want to run in the cornfields. i want to die at 39.

i want to have fun. your life is a chore.

stop trying to make me feel like your way is the right way. i'm not you...sorry i'm not perfect adam lawrence mcclure.

last night i got off the phone around 2 or something. but i was in bed by 2:30 (which is usual for me)

BUT

I DIDNT WAKE UP TILL NOON

glorious. be jealous.

the best draft of our paper for methods was due today at 9:25 AM...actually in two minutes. It's suppose to be 10-15 pages when its all done and polished. I turned in 5 pages. that's it. frankly, for picking my topic yesterday, and barely starting the research yesterday, I think 5 pages is pretty effing good. At least Dr. Williams likes me. That will help.

I registered for classes. 15 hours. no more, no less.

It's wierd, I have so many things on my mind right now, but I can't think straight enough to write.

Is it wrong when the two people who you love the most and who make you feel amazing...can at the same time be the same two people who depress you and make you want to die? sigh...I'm so imperfect compared to Adam and Liz.

Remember 2003-to may 2005? Glorious times. music. dancing. walking. shows. food. parties. screaming. joy. coffee. did i mention the music? what happened to me? i was the best. i was the happiest. i was the most fun. i was...alive.

why can't i go back to the days where my smile wasn't forced?

Holidays are hard for me. This was my first Easter without both mom and dad around...

It depresses me so much that everyone gets excited for breaks to go home...when I have no home to go to. I reunited with some more Holtville people through facebook/myspace today. mayne. its crazy. I do miss the valley.

I feel I complain too much. I cry too much. I get upset way too often. But that is me. My friends who really love me they deal with it, because they know that I would be there for them if they were like me. But sigh, who will be there for me this summer? Noone. Adam and Liz will be back and Kansas City. California is so far away. I have no home in Houston.

I fear May 17th. Where will I go when classes get out? How will I get there? Sigh.

These are the reasons I wish God would just take me to live with Him already. There is nothing left on this world for me.

sigh. as of right now It is going to take 7 years for me to finish college.

I was suppose to graduate 2008, but now I won't finish till 2011. All my friends will be done with grad school by then.

bleh. I'm getting so tired of it already.

I wanna go home.

it's hard to hear everyone say "yay i can't wait to go home for spring break"

and then people ask me "what are you doing for break?"
"oh i'm staying here?"
"what?! why don't you go back to your house"

....

"oh. i don't have one"

:/

I'm not leaving anywhere for spring break.

I'm putting myself back in the Rehab Center.

I need medical help. I'm not normal. I'm sorry to everyone for dealing with my lately.

I need help.

I have 4 A's so far.

wow. I've NEVER had an A in college. This is wierd.

Maybe I can do this? sigh. I miss the valley though.

I came to Oklahoma for a change of life. And yes, change happened.

But I'm still depressed. I'm still lonely

I'm still...lost.

Maybe I should go start packing.

its time i really got serious. not just about school, but about myself. I've been in the library the last hour trying to figure out my graduation plan. Due to me changing my major three times, failing a whole semester at st. thomas, transfering to SNU, and changing majors here again I won't be finishing my bachelors until I am 24 years old.

wow.

but its ok. then i started thinking about the future. Three people from my side of town died this weekend and I'm like "Tony, is it really that important that you finish this college degree?" No, It's not. But I do want to. So far, my time here at SNU has been the highlight of my life. Why end it any earlier? I'm in no hurry to get into the workforce. eh. I'm rambling. But I did realize one thing.

I am happy. And I'm going to continue to do what makes me happy....even if my family is going to be upset at my lack of income when I finish here.

It's for me. It's for God.....

I spent time with some of my amazing friend's last night. I'd never really gone out anywhere except for that ONE day when David took us to i dont know where, but we drank coffee. I'm doing things my way now

I just wish I could have my far away friends nearby as I do these things. :/

well its officially been a month since school started. and well. i think i found my place.

the campus is beautiful. and its so much more alive then st. thomas. my only complaint is that everyone here is nice. and that annoys me. its like...i purposely try to be anti-social and sit alone and far away from anyone in the cafeteria and ppl are like "hey we saw you sitting here alone, so we came to join you" its like....HELLO I DONT WANT TO MAKE FRIENDS PEOPLE!

but oh well. ive made a few "friends." i put the word in quotes becuase, i don't want to get close to anyone at this school. I did the socializing thing at St. Thomas for two years, and come on...everyone loved me there....even though I hated half of them HAHA. but yea....i've come to the conclusion that I am in school to study and NOT to socialize.

some wierd stuff has happened since i got here. stuff that makes me really confused with life. but oh well. also like...i dunno. i just am starting to miss alot of things from houston. but its wierd cuz...i HATE houston. oh yea. i am selling my house back home. i know. crazy huh? but yea...i never want to return to houston. that place sucks at life. and i hope it dies.

im here in the cafeteria. and the soccer guys are sitting next to me and like "tony come sit with us dude! dont be eating alone" UGH. why can't ppl just accept the fact that I hate the human race. rofl

oh well. i love everyone who is reading this though